芭乐视频

5 Strategies for Forging Healthy Relationships with Others (and Yourself)

How to Make Connections for a Truly Happy Life after 50

Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., MFT

Note: In this third part of a three-part series adapted from the upcoming book Mindful Aging: Embracing Your Life after 50 to Find Fulfillment, Purpose, and Joy, author and clinician Andrea Brandt looks at how a more intentional relationship with ourselves can lead to more satisfying relationships with others. Click here to read Part I and here to read聽Part II.

Most of us enter our 50s and 60s embedded in a social network: the parents, siblings, and other kin who were part of our youth, supplemented by the friendship circles we built and extended through school and careers, and our partners and our children, and even grandchildren. The amount of love and support we draw from them may vary but the links are essential.

Whatever the number or shape of our relationships, one constant emerges: that we鈥檙e innately and intensely social beings. We鈥檙e wired to form positive connections with others and suffer serious consequences when we don鈥檛. Infants, for example, can literally die if they go too long without being held, nuzzled, and hugged enough, despite receiving proper nutrition. The elderly, too, experience an increased risk of mortality without enough social connection, as social isolation and loneliness are major factors in depression and negatively impact physical, mental, and cognitive health. The fact is that connection, love, and touch are essential to our nature and thus our well-being. Therefore, the better we are at making and keeping healthy connections, the happier and healthier we鈥檒l be. Even though both genetics and early life experiences strongly influence our abilities in the social realm, our capacity for change in this area鈥攁t any age鈥攊s great.

Making the Connections That Make All the Difference

Our ability to have successful relationships with others starts with having a healthy relationship with ourselves. As we explore our thoughts and emotions, a magical thing happens: the better we know ourselves, the more we love ourselves. Everything else will follow. Here are some directions you can take as you prepare yourself to reach out and forge new relationships鈥攐r evaluate and modify the relationships you already have, ones that may not be meeting your desires or needs.

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence. You probably know what IQ is, and you may even have a sense of where you might fall on that scale. But how about emotional intelligence? Perhaps unlike IQ, it鈥檚 absolutely something we can develop, with rewarding results.

Daniel Goleman brought the subject into our living rooms with his bestselling 1995 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. He suggested five components: self-awareness, self-regulation, internal motivation, empathy, and social skills.

The connections are fairly easy to see. In order to manage our emotions, we need to be aware of them鈥攁s they are, not as we imagine they should be. Once we鈥檙e aware, we anticipate that others have similar feelings, and we develop empathy. Building this connection between ourselves and others creates an internal motivation: we want to treat others as we would like to be treated鈥攁nd so we鈥檙e motivated to enhance our own social skills.

Be Yourself鈥擸our True Self. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. That鈥檚 the core belief of Bren茅 Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston who wrote the bestseller Daring Greatly. 鈥淚t鈥檚 tough to [be vulnerable] when we鈥檙e terrified about what people might see or think. When we鈥檙e fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that鈥檚 constantly whispering 鈥榊ou鈥檙e not good enough鈥 in our ear, it鈥檚 tough to show up. We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.鈥 While it鈥檚 fine to work toward self-improvement, it鈥檚 not okay to become obsessed with the fear of failing or making mistakes or not meeting someone鈥檚 expectations. Journalist Maria Shriver points out in her blog that 鈥減laying it cool is overrated.鈥 While others may warn against the danger of 鈥渨earing your heart on your sleeve,鈥 it鈥檚 the only way people will know what you want.

Create Emotional Safety. Good relationships depend on both parties feeling safe with each other, trusting that they鈥檙e there for you as you鈥檙e there for them. This circle of trusting and trusted others is crucial to coping with the changes and anxieties that growing older involves.

Just having people around won鈥檛 do it. To feel safe, we need to feel that the person with us hears and sees us鈥攁nd accepts us鈥攁s we are and that he or she wants the best for us. Our bodies need this to heal, and so do our minds and souls. Although this safety is essential in difficult times, it also provides fertile ground to interact with each other in the best of times.

We can create this safe place for ourselves鈥攁nd, better still, invite other people to join us inside. As it has been so often, mindfulness is the road to a personal sense of safety: recognizing our feelings and having the intent and means to change the patterns that don鈥檛 serve us. Being judgmental is near the top of the list of these unwanted patterns. We need to look at our thoughts and feelings without ruling on whether they鈥檙e 鈥済ood鈥 or 鈥渂ad.鈥 Once we learn to treat ourselves with this compassion and empathy, we can extend the same nonjudgmental attitude to others, allowing them to feel safe.

Allow Others to Help You. Too many people are shy about reaching out to others for help in dark times. Most of the time, people want to help and are just looking for a way. When a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer鈥攆or the second time in 15 years鈥攁 circle of casual friends asked whether they could do anything to help. Instead of giving them a brave no, my friend shared with them that she hated the day before a chemotherapy treatment. So, the members of the group took turns taking her out to lunch the day before her treatments and making sure she had some fun memories to take with her. The point here is that she assumed they meant it when they asked, and she gave them something to do鈥攕omething she needed that helped her feel supported through a hard time.

Seek Out New Friends. By our 50s and 60s, some of us have forgotten how we made friends鈥攖he skills that were so natural to our childhood and early adult years may have rusted with disuse. People looking for new partners in midlife and beyond often complain that they have 鈥渇orgotten鈥 how to date. In the same way, we may forget how to find friends. A strategy with a high return rate is to go places and/or do things you enjoy and see who you meet there. If you like to read, join a book club. If you鈥檙e more physically oriented, join a gym or take a class in a new sport: golf, tennis, swimming, tai chi.

As we鈥檝e seen, all of our relationships need nurturing鈥攚hich begins with our mindset and intentions and extends into our priorities, choices, and daily interactions. Moving beyond ourselves into connection with others is a crucial step in living the life we will love through our older years. It is never too late to build or repair your social circle.

***

Andrea Brandt, PhD, is a marriage and family therapist based in Santa Monica, California. She鈥檚 the author of 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness and Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom.

This blog is adapted from Andrea Brandt鈥檚 upcoming book, Mindful Aging: Embracing Your Life after 50 to Find Fulfillment, Purpose, and Joy.

Topic: Clinical Psychology and Psychiatry

Tags: Aging | Getting Old | Happiness | How To | How to be happy | Old Age | Positive Aging

Email Signup